My therapist “S” knows I struggle a lot with the relationship with my dad and that I hold a lot of regrets after he passed. So, after she assigned me with the task of writing a letter to my dad, which was super difficult emotionally, she asked me to make a list of all the good times I had with my dad.

“Boy will this be a short list,” I thought to myself. “My dad owned his own business and worked 7 days a week, rain and shine. There’s no way we’ve had that many good times.” Hello negativity bias creeping into my thoughts already and I hadn’t even sat down to start my list!

I went home and kept putting this assignment off. I was convinced that I was going to be wasting a piece of paper for just a couple of times, but boys was I wrong!

When I started writing my list grew longer and longer:

• fishing trips
• weekend trips to the beach
• the circus (EVERY YEAR)
• anything on ICE
• Luray Caverns
• mountain trips
• picnics on the side of the road (at picnic tables of course)
• us fishing in the little john boat.

I ended up listing over 50 good times I had with my dad. And I realized that NONE of this stood out to me over the negative things until I made this list.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure what notebook I made this list in, it’s somewhere in this house. But since then, I’ve thought of more and more good times. I think I’ll restart the list in a notebook I’m using right now and add those new times along with the ones I had before.

When I went back to see “S” I talked about how surprised I was to be able to come up with so many good times. I told her that I never really thought my dad loved me because of the way he acted. And, what came next was a huge epiphany.

“S” said, “What if he loved you the only way he knew how? By taking you on trips, doing things with you and buying you things.”

I immediately began to cry huge crocodile tears. It broke my heart to think of it that way. Giving me things and taking me places was his love language, but since it didn’t match mine (words of affirmation) I thought something completely different.

So now I live knowing that my dad really did love me, I just didn’t see it because I was a kid, and then a teenager, and then a depressed and anxious adult. It makes me sad to think I could have had a better relationship with my dad, but unfortunately what is done is done and I can’t change that now. I still hold many regrets when it comes to my dad but I’m slowly trying to release this one. It was a matter of miscommunication between both of us and understanding on my part and I couldn’t see it until now.

On a side note, I got really lucky when I ended up starting to see “S”. So many things that I once saw negatively, I now can see positively. Through her questions, I’ve been able to dissect things I never thought possible. She’s definitely the best!