Niki’s Path to Peace

Recent Blog Posts

about

I’m a mom of four boys and wife of 12 years who lives in Southern Indiana.
  • A Mess of Emotions

    A Mess of Emotions

    In my teenage years I had a lot going on. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, both of which I was on medication for and I was self-harming quite often.

    Furthermore, during that time:

    • My parents got divorced.
    • I barely saw my dad.
    • People at school were talking behind my back and spreading rumors.
    • I was smoking marijuana and drinking.
    • I was arrested.
    • I spent a week in the Psych Unit.
    • I had dropped out of school and went online.

    Any one of these things alone would have been stressful enough for a teenager. Especially one dealing with depression and anxiety. Self-harm went through the roof. I was using scissors, razors, and lighters to cut and burn myself. I remember how relaxed I would feel after cutting. The blood running down my legs or arms. A short feeling of release from the depression and anxiety.

    I now know that my medicine needed to be increased in dosage or switched but I had no clue then. Instead, I continued to suffer in silence because at this point, I was afraid to really TALK to my therapist for fear of being put back in the hospital. My mom was trying her best to understand me but I just couldn’t explain anything. All I could do was cut and then cry in regret as my mom bandaged me up.

    That was one thing about cutting. It was a release of emotions when you first did it, then you would feel disappointed in yourself, sad, angry, and ashamed afterward. It was a horrible cycle I couldn’t break. I was lost and couldn’t tell up from down.

    The drinking and smoking weed helped me to feel like I belonged somewhere and it helped me disassociate from the depression and anxiety. I now know that I was self-medicating because my meds weren’t working for me at all.

    Once I finished school online, I decided to get a job so I would have so money. My first job was waitressing at Waffle House in Hampton, on Mercury Boulevard. I was good at waitressing but the guy I kept getting stuck working with was a major pot head. He smoked all during our shift and would disappear for a half hour or so. When that happened, I would take the orders of anyone who walked in, not knowing how long the other guy was going to be gone. Usually you wait on every other person that comes in the establishment.

    Then, when he would come back in he would complain, in front of customers, that I had taken his tables. Never mind the fact that they already had their food and were eating when he finally walked in to take their order.

    Needless to say, I got tired of that real quick and ended up quitting Waffle House. I was working the night shift, until 6:00 AM during that time so that was even more reason for me to leave. I was only 17 when I got my first job.

    Then, I got an opportunity to be a receptionist at an OB/GYN’s office. That wasn’t much of a better environment as the doctor sexually harassed ALL of us! He made comments like “Y’all should have your exams done by me.” And, “I’m going to buy all three of you completely white outfits and take you all out of my boat and get your soaking wet.” Reminder that I was still 17 at the time, so that job didn’t last long either.

    During this time I still had no relationship with my dad. He didn’t call me and I didn’t call him. I felt like he didn’t want to have anything to do with me so that’s why I didn’t reach out. Plus, he was the adult, wasn’t he the one that was REALLY supposed to reach out in that situation?

  • More About My Sessions

    More About My Sessions

    The week before last I started getting a cold, AGAIN, after having one two weeks before. I thought it was totally unfair that I got sick again, and I was miserable! And I’m not a good sick person.

    I hate soups!

    I hate being hot!

    I hate being cold!

    I HATE BEING SICK!

    And I tend to cry randomly when I’m sick because I just hate it all.

    And, in the midst of being sick, my anxiety spiked. Yay me!

    January 29th was my eighth Spravato treatment, the last of the twice a week treatments. But I didn’t want to leave the house because of my anxiety. I was so sure I was going to end up vomiting during my session, even though I’d had nothing to eat and just enough to drink to get my meds down, as usual on treatment days.

    I thoughts for sure my blood pressure would spike and I’d have to be take to the hospital. All the things that could go wrong were going to go wrong as far as I was concerned.

    But I did some deep breathing, got in the car, and showed up for my appointment. There I was in my treatment and nothing was going wrong. At least not anything I thought would go wrong did except…

    At the end of my session, my RN informed me that our insurance had denied my once a week treatments. Like that makes any sense! Right?! Approve the twice a week treatments but not the once a week. *insert face palm*

    So then my psychiatrist, who I had seen the day before, and who was thrilled with my progress, had to get on the phone and do some bureaucratic bullshit (pardon my language) so that I would be able to continue having my treatments once a week. How crazy is that?

    When did the health of a patient start to hang in the balance because of insurance? People making decisions about your health not knowing you, how you have been, and what progress you’re making on the medicine you’re taking. I know! When the drug companies were allowed to charge whatever the hell they want for life-saving (and I do mean this) meds. Insurance companies just don’t want to pay the prices. And, let’s be real, most of us can’t afford the prices ourselves. It’s sickening!

    And I know this doesn’t just happen in the mental health sector either. It’s…

    • cancer treatments that aren’t fully covered by insurance
    • shots for those who are anaphylactic
    • and more

    We run ourselves in debt to stay alive, yet we cry when people commit suicide because they just can’t handle it all anymore. Crazy isn’t it? Thinking about all the people you know that this actually affects, huh?

    So, after my psychiatrist and RN rallied for me with insurance, they approved the once a week round of treatments. Thank goodness!

    This time there are 3 nasal sprays, instead of two. A higher dose that has really left me feeling like I’m melting big time.

    I’m really grateful for the opportunity to take Spravato. It has made such a difference in my depression. I feel it and my family sees it. There’s not much better than being able to feel happy and hopeful!

  • My First Two Treatments

    My First Two Treatments

    I’m a little late posting this week because I was sick over the weekend, but this week’s post is finally here.

    I’m actually doing my fifth Spravato treatment while writing this so of course I know what to expect now. But, for my first treatment, I only knew what I had been told and what I had read. And you know how that is… it’s never exactly what you expect.

    So, I went into my first treatment nervous. I’m a naturally anxious person, which is why I take medicine for anxiety, so this was nothing I didn’t expect. New things ramp that up in me. Things like “What if I take it and die?” and “What if I have a bad reaction to it?” and even “What if it doesn’t end up helping me and I waste our time?” chummed through my head. It might seem dramatic but these are actual things I worry about, ESPECIALLY with new things.

    So my RN came out into the waiting room and called Aaron and I back. Aaron has been so supportive during this entire process, even going so far as to do his own research before I started treatments.

    We walked all the way to the back of the building where they have three rooms set up for the Spravato treatments. I was taken into the first room, which has easily become my favorite! The room is similar to an exam room. First, there are no windows. There is a short counter with some drawers and a few cabinets above it. On the counter is a red, orange, and yellow 3-D printed dragon, a set of 3-D yellow blocks that are connected, and a bowl of ring pops. I guess I could play with the 3-D items since they’re just sitting there but I just never have. The walls are light grey with jellyfish, sea turtles, and fish all around. They really missed out by not painting the walls like the ocean. I think it would be more fun that way. In one corner is a brown recliner. Next to it, is a small glass table with a dim lamp on it, and in the other corner is another chair, a little more comfortable than the usual exam room chairs but not as good as the recliner.

    I sat down in the recliner and my RN took my blood pressure and oxygen level and then she put my feet up. Spravto lowers your blood pressure so they have to keep an eye on it.

    As a side note, my RN is the nicest lady ever and she loves to talk. She definitely makes it easy to relax.

    “Do you want a ring pop before we start?” she asked. I politely declined. I couldn’t understand for the life of me why she would ask me if I wanted candy and I actually chuckled a little bit.

    “Blow your nose,” she said, so I did. Then she handed me this nasal spray contraption and told me to spray it once in each nostril. So I did and almost immediately I started getting this disgusting taste in my mouth. I mean it coated my entire throat! It was so bad. I must have made a disgusted face, no surprise there, and she asked “Do you want a ring pop now?” To which I replied, “Yes, please!” After that, the thought of being offered candy wasn’t quite as funny as it was before.

    So note for anyone getting ready to start Spravato: TAKE THE RING POP or whatever candy they offer you, just not any kind you can choke on.

    Five minutes passed and it was time for the second nasal spray contraption. I finished that and we were talking and BAM! it hit me. My movements seemed slower. Scanning the room, I noticed my eyes took a minute to catch up to where my head was pointing. My whole body also started to feel “fuzzy.” That the only way to describe it. I know it sounds strange but it is what it is. The closest thing to the way it feels like that I can come up with is when “laughing gas” kicks in at the dentist.

    Another note: Start the second dose of Spravato in the nostril you ended with on the first dose.

    I pushed the recliner back and laid there, feeling like I was melting into the chair. I was so relaxed! My RN turned on some Northern Lights that rolled all over the walls and ceiling, turned out the lights, and shut the door. It was just Aaron, the Northern Lights, and me in the recliner… melting.

    My brain usually runs with a million things I need to do, picking apart conversations I’ve had to make sure I didn’t say anything stupid, etc., but there was absolutely NONE OF THAT! I could put together full sentences to talk, don’t get me wrong, but everything just slowed down and I was relaxed. For the first time in years, and yes I do mean years.

    I turned on some meditation music in my Air Pods and just watched the blue lights dance on the ceiling. It was almost as if the lights were linked to the music. My favorite light colors now are a mixture of red and blue which I choose every time now. There’s just something about them that fascinate me during my treatments.

    At the forty minute mark, my RN came in to take my blood pressure and oxygen level to make sure everything was okay, which it was. Then I was back off to my Northern Lights, meditation music land.

    I never fell asleep although I definitely felt like I could have a time or two. At the end of the two hours, my RN came and checked my vitals gain and then Aaron and I had to signa paper stating that he was driving me home. They tell you not to drive or do anything too serious (like work) for the rest of the day. The main effects wear off in about four hours but there is still some residual. I’ve found that I get headaches later in the day.

    After my second treatment, which went very much like my first, I decided to work on one of my paint-by-number pictures. You’d never be able to tell but I got quite a few of the colors confused, so I stopped doing it that day. Now, if I decide to work on one after a session, I take more time to make sure I have the right color. Lol.

    If I had to sum up what I learned during my first two sessions it would be this:

    • DON’T eat or drink anything the morning of your appointment unless you need to drink a little to take medication. Spravato can possibly make you sick to your stomach.
    • DON’T take any medication that slows down respiration like Xanax, Ativan, etc. If you have anxiety and it starts acting up before your session, eat a piece of sour candy. It actually works because it helps to ground you in the here and now.
    • DON’T take sleep-aids, either over-the-counter or prescribed (Trazadone, Quviviq, etc.), the night of your session. These slow your respiration down further and you don’t want that.
    • DON’T bring someone with you who is going to stress you out. This is your time to relax and take care of yourself.
    • DO wear comfy clothes. Sessions las two hours and it’s hard to relax when you’re uncomfortable.
    • DO listen to some relaxing music and/or journal. It’s going to be hard to focus so I would avoid trying to read a book.
    • DO TAKE THE RING POP the first time it’s offered. The bad taste will traumatize you.

    And even though you’ll probably still be nervous for your first session (which is normal), know that YOU’VE GOT THIS! You’re trying to help pull yourself out of the darkness that is consuming you and you can only go up from there.

    After five sessions now, I feel like I can honestly agree with everyone I’ve read about and spoken to, Spravato is a GAME-CHANGER! I’m able to laugh again without forcing myself to because that’s what I should be doing in certain situations. Plus, I’m smiling more authentically. The depression hasn’t gone away completely, I’m not sure I believe it will, but it’s not nearly as prominent in my day-to-day life like it once was. I feel like I can finally start seeing a light at the end of what was a really dark tunnel.

    If you have any questions about anything, please drop them in the comments below. I would love to answer them!

  • What to Know

    What to Know

    Last year my psychiatrist tried a few different medications for my depression. Unfortunately, they didn’t work. So in another appointment she dropped the term treatment-resistant depression (TRD). This was something I had never heard of and suddenly I was diagnosed with it. When I looked it up, I found out that TRD is major depression that doesn’t improve after at least two different forms of treatment like medications and/or therapy, and it includes those medications you’ve taken in the past. But what did that mean for me finding relief from the despair that was crushing me?

    Enter Spravato!

    Spravato came around in 2019 as a form of treatment for TRD and major depressive disorder (MDD). Spravato, also known as esketamine, is a nasal spry that is used along with an anti-depressant to help subside the effects of major depression.

    Now esketamine is different from ketamine, or what people on the streets call Special K. Ketamine in a hospital is used for pain or as a dissociative anesthetic. On the streets, Special K is known as the “club drug” due to its sedating properties. However, esketamine is SPECIFICALLY for those that suffer from TRD and MDD. So… how does it help?

    Well, Spravato mainly affects the glutamate system in the brain. The glutamate system is critical for learning, memory, and cognition. It acts as an “on” switch for brain functions such as mood, sleep, and energy (three things depression affects). It also works to create new neural connections in areas that regulate mood like the prefrontal cortex.

    TRD shows up in the brain as disrupted neural circuits and altered connectivity. Therefore, Spravato helps create new neural circuits and connections in the brain to decrease symptoms of major depression.

    I’m a member of some different groups on Facebook for anxiety, depression, bipolar, and ADHD. It’s nice to have groups you can post questions in or express your frustrations about the illnesses you suffer from and have people respond who have been through whatever it might be.

    Anywho, I have found that people have posted questions about Spravato. What is it like? What do you have to do? And the biggest one, Does it really help? And do you know what everyone who responds to the later says? They say it’s a “GAME-CHANGER.” That’s their exact words! When I talked to my therapist about it, she said a few of her other clients are taking it and they described it as a (hold your breath)… “GAME-CHANGER.” And no, I didn’t tell her what I had heard before she said that to me.

    Insurance approved me to start Spravato treatments so I’ll be able to experience for myself if it’s a game-changer like everyone says or not. In fact, I’ve already had two treatments and I’ll be in the middle of my third when this posts.

    So now that you know what Spravato is and how it works in the brain, next week I’m going to walk you through my first two treatments including what to expect if you are about to start Spravato treatments.

    Until next week!

  • Happy New Year!

    Happy New Year!

    Happy New Year! I hope you’ve had a great start to the year. It’s such a great time of year as it feels like a clean slate, a new 365 days to change the way we see and do things. I’m feeling positive for this new year and I hope you are too!

    Things have been really rough, I won’t lie. I was off my medication for three months because insurance kept jerking us around and we couldn’t afford the medication without it. Just a side note, this happens to many people and they suffer just like I did. I know this because I’m a member of a couple of different mental health groups on Facebook and people post about this a lot. I could go off on a tangent about our mental health system and the drug companies but I won’t do it in this post.

    Anywho, I went through over a month of a severe depressive episode. I slept a lot of the days. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. I had thoughts of hurting myself (I was a cutter in my teenage years), but I didn’t thank goodness. I even contemplated admitting myself to the hospital just so I could get back on my medications, but it was Christmas time, I would have missed my whole family greatly, and once they released me I wouldn’t have my medication again so what was the point?

    It felt like a heavy weight all over my body. I was drained of energy even when I wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t smile and nothing could make me laugh. I had panic attacks daily and used Xanax and sour candy (Yes! it really does work) to get through. My doctor told me it’s very common that when depression hits, panic attacks increase.

    It was so bad that the Christmas tree didn’t get put up until the weekend before Christmas. (But don’t worry, we’re leaving it up for a bit to enjoy it more). I did absolutely NO baking with the kids which I always love to do. Presents were wrapped two days before Christmas. We could do that because Christmas was really small this year. The kids didn’t mind though, they were appreciative for what the did get. I really do have some amazing freaking kids!

    So at the VERY end of December, our insurance finally came through. I was able to refill most of my prescriptions, (all except for two that required doctor authorization), and so I was able to start getting my medication back into my system.

    My therapist hooked me up with a last minute appointment with my psychiatrist for December 30th where I was able to get scripts for my two medications I was missing. Then, my therapist got me in to see her on January 2nd during her lunch break. God bless her, she’s so good to me and she actually helps me. She even called to check up on me multiple times while I was fighting with insurance and worked me through some panic attacks. She’s freaking amazing!

    On December 30th, in the afternoon, I got a call from the lady who handles Spravato. She said insurance approved the treatments (for my treatment-resistant depression)! I’m actually starting them today. In fact, by the time this posts, I’ll be halfway through my first treatment (they last 2 hours).

    I’m sure you’re wondering “What is Spravato? What does it do?” Well… next week I’m going to break everything down about it. Then, the following week, I’ll tell you about my first two weeks of treatments.

    Thanks so much for sticking with me while I post sporadically. One of my goals for the new year (I don’t do resolutions) is to post consistently and plan posts ahead of time. So far, January is fully covered. Yay!

    As always, please share this post. You never know what someone else is going through and how much this may help them!

  • Check-In

    Check-In

    I was still struggling this past week with crippling anxiety and depression. In fact, my anxiety had me waiting to go to the BMV to register Kavin’s car (which should have been done by Friday). I almost didn’t do it on Saturday either but I pushed through (with the help of a Xanax) and his car is now registered. But other than that, I just laid on the couch with Lola and we watched ID tv together Monday through Thursday.

    Friday I took a shower (major accomplishment for me every week), the first one since last Friday. I do this because it’s Game Night at my mother-in-law’s house and I don’t want her (or her friend that comes) worrying about what kind of “crazy person” is raising her grandkids and is married to her son. Now don’t get me wrong, she would NEVER say anything negative to me like that, she loves me, that comment is just how my brain works (thanks negative thoughts). Mostly, I take a shower because I’m embarrassed not to.

    I’m embarrassed living with my husband, kids, and Mom who see me in the same outfit for the week, laying around doing nothing because I literally have no energy to expend and the things that I used to love doing I have no interest for anymore. It DESTROYS me knowing that my kids know I’m struggling because of my mental illnesses. I feel so bad for them and feel like the worst mom ever because I can’t pull myself out of this dark hole.

    I constantly question why it has to be me going through this, why my family has to suffer because of me. But I know there are TONS of other people wondering the same thing and you’d never know it. We smile even when we feel like crying, we push ourselves to go out while silently freaking out and trying to get our heartbeat and breathing under control while telling ourselves we aren’t really going to die we just feel like it, it’s accepting a compliment but NEVER being able to believe them, it’s thinking everyone would be better off without you but struggling to go on, it’s spending money you don’t have buying things because you feel a rush of excitement knowing that something new will be coming to you soon (it could be big or small) and then suddenly feeling guilty and berating yourself because you’ve bough xyz.

    There are so many things that scream someone needs help but you may not be able to see any of them. Either that or maybe you think some of these things:

    • “Man, she sure got over (negative situation) quickly because she’s smiling.”
    • She’s got all the money for (expensive items like electronics, concert tickets, clothes, etc.), they must be really well off.”
    • “He looks ‘normal’ so he has to be okay.”

    Folks, we don’t always look differently because we suffer from a mental illness. It’s not like missing an arm or having a colostomy bag, these illnesses hide themselves, bury themselves deep inside of us and eat away at us slowly.

    Then there are some that just can’t push through the sadness, anxiety, mania, etc. and start cancelling plans or always saying no. You might think:

    • “Man she’s flaky. That’s (x amount of times) that she’s cancelled on us.”
    • “He must feel like he’s too good for us because he always says no.”
    • Or someone saying no to going on a shopping trip because they know their mania will cause them to buy things impulsively and irresponsibly and they’re trying to avoid that, but you take it as a slight against you.

    We try our best to hide a lot because we’re:

    • embarrassed
    • don’t think people would understand
    • don’t know how to put our feelings into words (this is a legitimate thing)
    • etc.

    So many suffer in SILENCE.

    And something else you may not know is that people suffering from depression or any mental illness can have good days yet still suffer from that mental illness. I personally never know what each day is going to be like. For instance, I had good days Friday through Sunday. I felt good enough to play games and not break out crying for no reason so that was a win for me. But today is just meh. I feel like if I felt something was going wrong, it would spiral me into a depressive state again. I’m writing this blog today because I’m TRYING to stay consistent and to at least help one person, but I had to push myself to do it.

    The saying “Be kind. You never know what someone is going through,” is so true. This post alone shows that mental illness can hide anywhere and everywhere.

    Sorry if this post is a little wonky and in one direction and then another. That’s just part of being off some of my meds right now. I hope you get the gist.

    If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental illness or thoughts of harming themselves please tell them to text or call 988. This is a confidential crisis line in the United States that’s there to help.

  • My Struggle

    My Struggle

    Here’s one reality of mental health:

    We lost our state insurance at the end of October. We no longer qualified but we make just little enough that our two youngest sons can still be covered by it. We were expecting to qualify, but didn’t find out until the end of the month that we didn’t qualify, which gave us no time to find other insurance for November (we have no insurance at the moment).

    Now, I know that would hurt other households too but I’m sharing from my personal experience.

    I take nine different medications for my depression, anxiety, bipolar I, and ADHD. One medicine I take, my psychiatrist can only write for one month at a time because it’s a controlled substance and people abuse it (Thanks to all of you that do this because you make it harder for those of us that don’t. Insert heavy sarcasm here.). Three of my medications are between $1,000 and $1,400 EACH per month without insurance. Also, my psychiatry appointment (where I get my medications refilled) is $250 a month. Plus, my therapy appointments once a week at $50 a pop. That’s over $4000 a month!!! Very few of us can afford that. Add in another $1,200-$1,400 in groceries (hello, four growing boys) and gas for my husband to go to work and we’re in the $5,000-$6,000 range.

    Now for some of you, this may not be a problem, and if it’s not then congratulations. But for us, it is a problem. I work a whopping 5 hours a month because that’s about all I can handle mentally. It’s so hard to qualify for disability with mental health as the main reason for it. So that leaves the main burden to my husband.

    God bless him, he works his ASS off, and when I say that, I mean it. Starting out at 7 AM in the morning and not getting home until 7-8 PM every day except Sunday. But his job is based on commission. He helps people 65+ find the best Medicare plan for them and helps out when any questions come up. He works southern Indiana and part of the northern part of Kentucky as his area. Just as a side note, there are other people out there doing the same thing he is in the same areas. This entails meeting with people face-to-face (usually in their own home where they feel more comfortable), inputting all theirs meds into the system (along with various other information), and then talking about all their options so that they can decide which plan will work best for them given their personal situation. Folks, this takes time!

    And then once a year, between the middle of October to the beginning of December is a time called AEP where he visits ALL of his clients, plus new ones, to review their plans and make sure their plan is still the right fit for them. But here’s the catch, he doesn’t get paid on his existing clients until the end of December – January/February time. But he WANTS TO do this for his clients to save them money if he can or get them more benefits. Folks, HE HELPS THE ELDERLY NOT GET SCREWED. Major kudos to him.

    So, alas, we are in November with no insurance. I’ve already run out of one of my medications (the most expensive one) and will run out of a lot more before I can finally see my psychiatrist at the beginning of December when hopefully we have acquired insurance through Marketplace (if not, that’s another appointment that I’ll be skipping).

    Yesterday was a REALLY BAD day for me with my depression. I have met the requirements to start Spravato (I’ll talk more about this in another post, let’s just say I’ve heard amazing things about it) with hopes that it would work in conjunction with my meds to make the depression bearable but that’s off the plate until we get insurance because that runs between $4,000 – $7,000 a month to start off with.

    I woke up at 3:20 AM this morning because I couldn’t get comfortable because my whole body hurt. You see, when you get stressed or anxious your muscles tense up. So if you feel like that all day long your muscles will stay tense and then the next day you feel the repercussions of something you couldn’t help the WHOLE next day. This is a take over your whole body, hello I can identify where every muscle is in my body, I don’t want to move anything, kind of pain.

    There is never a choice when it comes to times like this, my family comes first 100%. That means limited meds (the cheap ones) but groceries in the house and clothes on my kids backs. It’s gas to keep my husband going to do amazing things for the older generations. Like I said, there’s never an option for me.

    So, if you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or looking for anything in return. I’m writing this because there are other people in the same situation, ones that are silently suffering because they have to choose between the help they need and their families’ needs that need to know they are not alone. I know I’m a little scattered with this post but that’s the reality of my life right now, everything is scattered.

    And while I don’t believe this right now, I know deep down that we are enough the way we are, we fight invisible monsters daily yet still come out on top just to do it again the next day. You’re doing what you can right now, even if it’s just the fact that you’re breathing, that’s enough. We’ll go through this mess together because you are NOT alone!

  • I married a pyromaniac!

    I married a pyromaniac!

    Here we go friends. It’s time to talk about my first husband. We’re going to call him “C” because his name really doesn’t matter.

    I met “C” when I was 18 years-old. I don’t remember where, but a group of us girls were out one night and we met a group of guys. “C” was in this group and I thought he was cute, so we started talking and hit it off. At the time he wasn’t working but I was 18 and naive so I never questioned it. I was working at Office Max at the time.

    After about 2 weeks he told me he had a criminal record for arson but he said he’d never done any of them, he had just come upon them and then the police blamed him. I know what you’re thinking “Niki, that’s a big red flag,” but I believed him.

    Things went okay for a little while. He would do anything I asked him to. Now, looking back, I was way more of the man in this relationship (which isn’t my cup of tea), but I ignored this red flag too.

    One day, while I was working, I received a phone call from “C”. We had been living with my Mom and Grandma because he had no place of his own and he still wasn’t working. So I answer the phone knowing something was wrong and the first words out of his mouth are “The house is on fire!” I freaked! I asked if my Mom and Grandma had gotten out and he said “Yes.” I told him to please come pick me up (because he had my car) and told my manager what was going on.

    When I got in the car I started to cry because the adrenaline was wearing off. I asked “What the hell happened and how bad was it?” He hugged me and said it was in the garage but the smoke had come through the house some.

    The firefighters and police were still there when we showed up. I hugged my Mom and Grandma because I was so happy they were okay. The rooms they were both in were right up against the garage where the fire started.

    The Fire Inspector spent a long time in the garage but didn’t tell us about any causes of the fire. Unfortunately, since we were renters, we were given 30 days notice to get out.

    At this time, “C” proposed, I bought my own ring, and we decided right away to marry at the Justice of the Peace. Little did I know there was a ulterior motive to this.

    We got married in a very small ceremony at the courthouse. Then we all moved into an apartment and “C” ended up getting a job at the IHOP right up the road.

    The Fire Inspector called “C” and said he needed to come down and talk to them about the fire at the house. He agreed to go down the next day since he worked that night.

    That night he comes home early. I’m surprised but happy.

    “How did you get off so early?” I asked.

    “There was a fire in the supply closet and so they shut down early, “C” said.

    “Do they know what happened?”

    “No, but they’re trying to figure it out,” he said.

    I couldn’t believe it. The bad luck was following us, but why?

    The next day, “C” used my car to go to the interview with the Fire Inspector. A couple of hours later, I got a phone call from the investigator letting me know that they arrested “C” for the fire at the house and I needed to come pick up my car.

    I started crying because I knew they had the wrong person. The fire HAD to be an accident of some sort! The cops were doing it again, blaming him for a fire just because he was in the vicinity. I was so angry!

    My Mom took me to pick up my car and we went directly home.

    “Mom, theres no way he would have done this. There was no reason for it.” I cried to my mom.

    “I can understand why you’d feel that way” my Mom said.

    “C” called me that night from jail and was crying on the phone. He kept telling me he didn’t do it. That his mom and dad were getting him a lawyer and it would all be straightened out.

    The next day the Fire Inspector talked with my Mom and I about what they found.

    Underneath a pile of clothes, they found cigarette butts (“C”‘s brand). They believed he tried to start the fire that way but the pile smothered it out. So he lit a corner of the clothes pile and let it burn which started the actual fire. The pile of clothes was what they called the “point of origin.” I couldn’t believe it and told the inspector so. I told him it had to be an accident and they were wrong. I was not very nice. I would come to regret this later and would apologize.

    The same day “C” called me from jail again and I told him everything the inspector told us. He started to deny it but I point blank asked him “Did you do it?” To which he started crying and admitted to setting the fire at our house and at IHOP. Come to find out, while in jail, they were interviewing him about the IHOP fire as well.

    I was so angry that he had put my Mom and Grandma in danger. I was mortified by how I acted towards the Fire Inspector. And I felt so stupid for actually believing him at first when he said that he didn’t do it.

    After that, we went to the Commonwealth Attorney that was assigned to the case and told him everything. But, remember when I told you that there was an ulterior motive to marrying me so quickly? Here it is… the Commonwealth Attorney said they couldn’t put me on the stand to tell everyone that he confessed because we were married. I was floored but, because of all the evidence, I figured they wouldn’t need my testimony to find him guilty.

    Boy was I wrong!

    A jury of his peers found him not guilty of the fire at our house. I was scared because now they had to let him out of jail. By this time I had already filed for a divorce so I was afraid he’d set our apartment on fire when he got out. The attorney told us how we could get an order of protection and apologized that the jury didn’t find him guilty.

    On the plus side, he was found guilty of the fire at IHOP because cameras showed that “C” was the only one who went in and came out of the supply closet.

    Needless to say, the divorce went through and thankfully he didn’t fight it. He got a couple of years for the IHOP fire so we didn’t have to get an order of protection. By the time he got out, we had already moved into a rental house he didn’t know about.

    Looking back now, I was totally naive to everything. I was an 18 year-old who latched onto the first guy that showed me interest. I thought I had learned from this mistake but, as you’ll see later, I didn’t.

    What’s something in your life you wish you could change? Share in the comments below.

  • Here We Are Again

    Here We Are Again

    So, last month I wrote a post because I was MIA for awhile and I said it wouldn’t happen again but… it did.

    As I said in my last blog post, I’M STRUGGLING and it’s as true now as it was then,

    If you’ve seen the Emoji movie then you’ll understand when I say I feel “meh”, That’s me, the “meh” Emoji walking around pretending like I’ve got my shit together. News flash… I don’t. Let’s break it down.

    I’m WAY behind on laundry. Everyone has clothes to wear but it’s usully like “Look in the dryer and you’ll find something in there.” This is totally NOT where I want to be in life but yet here we are. Ugh!

    My sink is full of dishes. Oh, and this dishwasher isn’t working right now, Aaron’s in the process of trying to figure out what is wrong with it but until then it’s up to hand washing. When it’s time for dinner, I wash what we need to cook in and we go from there. Aaron’s usually the one who cooks although I do cook when it’s necessary,We don’t have people over because there’s stuff everywhere instead of me finding a place for it.

    I know you’re thinking I’m lazy and I would 100% agree with you. I feel totally worthless and I can’t stand myself. But just a little part of me says it’s also the depression I’m experiencing. You know, the whole “meh” thing,

    At this moment my psychiatrist and I are working to get my meds right, Here’s what I’m currently on:

    • Propranolol 20 MG 2x daily
    • Fluoxetine HCL 40 MG 1x daily
    • Auvelity ER 45-105MG 2x daily
    • Trazadone 300 MG 1x nightly
    • Vraylar 4.5 MG 1x nightly
    • Amphetamine Salts XR 25 MG 1x daily
    • Gabapentin 600 MG 3x daily
    • Buspirone HCI 15 MG 3x daily

    It’s like a damn pharmacy when I get all my pills set up for the week in my containers. Which sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.

    Because of me still feeling “meh”, my psychiatrist dropped my Gabapentin to 400 MG 3x daily to try to help. She was explaining that it can cause brain fog and a flat affect (the “meh” feeling). We’re trying to see if lowering the dosage helps. So far, the only thing I’ve noticed different is that I have daily headaches which could be caused from lowering the dose. Basically damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    Right now, I’m just trying to get my shit together, I can’t wait for the day where I have honest emotional responses and feel better. Currently, I just act the way I’m supposed to act in certain situations which isn’t a long-term fix.

    My life is good. My marriage is great and my young men are phenomenal. It’s about time for me to be able to express that.

    Please share this post. You never know what family member or friend needs the reminder that they aren’t alone. We struggle silently, afraid to say how we truly feel for fear of judgment. Be the change.

  • Where I’ve Been

    Where I’ve Been

    Hey friends! Sorry I’ve been MIA. I was showing up every week to share my story and then, out of nowhere, I just disappeared. I owe you an explanation and here it is.

    I’M STRUGGLING!

    There, I said it outloud. I think I avoided saying that to my therapist and psychologist because then it makes it real and I don’t like that. Avoidance is bad but it’s a coping mechansim I’ve used my entire life. I’m trying to change that, believe me, but IT’S SO DAMN HARD and most days I’m just lucky to exist. Sound familiar?

    Now don’t misunderstand, I don’t walk around like a zombie or mope everywhere. Instead, I’m like those commercials with the smiley faces on the popsicle sticks. When I’m around other people, I smile like nothing is wrong even though inside I’m drowning. Only when I’m alone do I let the sad and mopey Eeyore me show. Like they always say, “You never know what someone is going through so be nice.” It’s really true, because most people will be surprised to hear this about me. Usually I’m all smiles and I talk alot, while inside I’m criticizing myself for what I’ve said, questioning if I sound intelligent, and just hoping the person I’m talking to will actually like me.

    And I don’t understand it. Hell, I think it’s that way for everyone. It just doesn’t make sense. Great things happen in my life all the time. And I’m truly happy when they do, but that feeling doesn’t last for long and then my brain starts thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done, whether I said something wrong while I was talking to someone, wondering how I appear to other peoople, the list goes on and on. I overanalyze EVERYTHING!

    My psychologist has brought up the idea of treatment resistant depression to me. She hasn’t come out and said it yet but it’s on the table as a possibility. Basically, the medicines that you’d usually take for depression don’t work for some people. There is an IV medicine that can be used for that which I would look into more if it comes down to that. I’ll talk baout that more with my psychologist when I see her this month.

    So for now, I’m forcing myself to do things I don’t feel like doing (laundry and dishes), little by little.

    I also find myself not able to sit still. I HAVE to be doing smething. Things I’m stuck on now are reading, paint-by-numbers, and coloring. I rotate doing these things throughout the day so I don’t have any lull in physically doing something. It’s crazy and I don’t understand it but it is what it is.

    Well, there we go. This is why I’ve been missing, but I plan on getting back on track. I’m back for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ll share it all in hopes of helping just one person.

    Have you experienced any of this? What have you found that helps? I’m all ears, nothing is off limits.