Niki’s Path to Peace

Recent Blog Posts

about

I’m a mom of four boys and wife of 12 years who lives in Southern Indiana.
  • What to Know

    What to Know

    Last year my psychiatrist tried a few different medications for my depression. Unfortunately, they didn’t work. So in another appointment she dropped the term treatment-resistant depression (TRD). This was something I had never heard of and suddenly I was diagnosed with it. When I looked it up, I found out that TRD is major depression that doesn’t improve after at least two different forms of treatment like medications and/or therapy, and it includes those medications you’ve taken in the past. But what did that mean for me finding relief from the despair that was crushing me?

    Enter Spravato!

    Spravato came around in 2019 as a form of treatment for TRD and major depressive disorder (MDD). Spravato, also known as esketamine, is a nasal spry that is used along with an anti-depressant to help subside the effects of major depression.

    Now esketamine is different from ketamine, or what people on the streets call Special K. Ketamine in a hospital is used for pain or as a dissociative anesthetic. On the streets, Special K is known as the “club drug” due to its sedating properties. However, esketamine is SPECIFICALLY for those that suffer from TRD and MDD. So… how does it help?

    Well, Spravato mainly affects the glutamate system in the brain. The glutamate system is critical for learning, memory, and cognition. It acts as an “on” switch for brain functions such as mood, sleep, and energy (three things depression affects). It also works to create new neural connections in areas that regulate mood like the prefrontal cortex.

    TRD shows up in the brain as disrupted neural circuits and altered connectivity. Therefore, Spravato helps create new neural circuits and connections in the brain to decrease symptoms of major depression.

    I’m a member of some different groups on Facebook for anxiety, depression, bipolar, and ADHD. It’s nice to have groups you can post questions in or express your frustrations about the illnesses you suffer from and have people respond who have been through whatever it might be.

    Anywho, I have found that people have posted questions about Spravato. What is it like? What do you have to do? And the biggest one, Does it really help? And do you know what everyone who responds to the later says? They say it’s a “GAME-CHANGER.” That’s their exact words! When I talked to my therapist about it, she said a few of her other clients are taking it and they described it as a (hold your breath)… “GAME-CHANGER.” And no, I didn’t tell her what I had heard before she said that to me.

    Insurance approved me to start Spravato treatments so I’ll be able to experience for myself if it’s a game-changer like everyone says or not. In fact, I’ve already had two treatments and I’ll be in the middle of my third when this posts.

    So now that you know what Spravato is and how it works in the brain, next week I’m going to walk you through my first two treatments including what to expect if you are about to start Spravato treatments.

    Until next week!

  • Happy New Year!

    Happy New Year!

    Happy New Year! I hope you’ve had a great start to the year. It’s such a great time of year as it feels like a clean slate, a new 365 days to change the way we see and do things. I’m feeling positive for this new year and I hope you are too!

    Things have been really rough, I won’t lie. I was off my medication for three months because insurance kept jerking us around and we couldn’t afford the medication without it. Just a side note, this happens to many people and they suffer just like I did. I know this because I’m a member of a couple of different mental health groups on Facebook and people post about this a lot. I could go off on a tangent about our mental health system and the drug companies but I won’t do it in this post.

    Anywho, I went through over a month of a severe depressive episode. I slept a lot of the days. I felt like everyone would be better off without me. I had thoughts of hurting myself (I was a cutter in my teenage years), but I didn’t thank goodness. I even contemplated admitting myself to the hospital just so I could get back on my medications, but it was Christmas time, I would have missed my whole family greatly, and once they released me I wouldn’t have my medication again so what was the point?

    It felt like a heavy weight all over my body. I was drained of energy even when I wasn’t doing anything. I didn’t smile and nothing could make me laugh. I had panic attacks daily and used Xanax and sour candy (Yes! it really does work) to get through. My doctor told me it’s very common that when depression hits, panic attacks increase.

    It was so bad that the Christmas tree didn’t get put up until the weekend before Christmas. (But don’t worry, we’re leaving it up for a bit to enjoy it more). I did absolutely NO baking with the kids which I always love to do. Presents were wrapped two days before Christmas. We could do that because Christmas was really small this year. The kids didn’t mind though, they were appreciative for what the did get. I really do have some amazing freaking kids!

    So at the VERY end of December, our insurance finally came through. I was able to refill most of my prescriptions, (all except for two that required doctor authorization), and so I was able to start getting my medication back into my system.

    My therapist hooked me up with a last minute appointment with my psychiatrist for December 30th where I was able to get scripts for my two medications I was missing. Then, my therapist got me in to see her on January 2nd during her lunch break. God bless her, she’s so good to me and she actually helps me. She even called to check up on me multiple times while I was fighting with insurance and worked me through some panic attacks. She’s freaking amazing!

    On December 30th, in the afternoon, I got a call from the lady who handles Spravato. She said insurance approved the treatments (for my treatment-resistant depression)! I’m actually starting them today. In fact, by the time this posts, I’ll be halfway through my first treatment (they last 2 hours).

    I’m sure you’re wondering “What is Spravato? What does it do?” Well… next week I’m going to break everything down about it. Then, the following week, I’ll tell you about my first two weeks of treatments.

    Thanks so much for sticking with me while I post sporadically. One of my goals for the new year (I don’t do resolutions) is to post consistently and plan posts ahead of time. So far, January is fully covered. Yay!

    As always, please share this post. You never know what someone else is going through and how much this may help them!

  • Check-In

    Check-In

    I was still struggling this past week with crippling anxiety and depression. In fact, my anxiety had me waiting to go to the BMV to register Kavin’s car (which should have been done by Friday). I almost didn’t do it on Saturday either but I pushed through (with the help of a Xanax) and his car is now registered. But other than that, I just laid on the couch with Lola and we watched ID tv together Monday through Thursday.

    Friday I took a shower (major accomplishment for me every week), the first one since last Friday. I do this because it’s Game Night at my mother-in-law’s house and I don’t want her (or her friend that comes) worrying about what kind of “crazy person” is raising her grandkids and is married to her son. Now don’t get me wrong, she would NEVER say anything negative to me like that, she loves me, that comment is just how my brain works (thanks negative thoughts). Mostly, I take a shower because I’m embarrassed not to.

    I’m embarrassed living with my husband, kids, and Mom who see me in the same outfit for the week, laying around doing nothing because I literally have no energy to expend and the things that I used to love doing I have no interest for anymore. It DESTROYS me knowing that my kids know I’m struggling because of my mental illnesses. I feel so bad for them and feel like the worst mom ever because I can’t pull myself out of this dark hole.

    I constantly question why it has to be me going through this, why my family has to suffer because of me. But I know there are TONS of other people wondering the same thing and you’d never know it. We smile even when we feel like crying, we push ourselves to go out while silently freaking out and trying to get our heartbeat and breathing under control while telling ourselves we aren’t really going to die we just feel like it, it’s accepting a compliment but NEVER being able to believe them, it’s thinking everyone would be better off without you but struggling to go on, it’s spending money you don’t have buying things because you feel a rush of excitement knowing that something new will be coming to you soon (it could be big or small) and then suddenly feeling guilty and berating yourself because you’ve bough xyz.

    There are so many things that scream someone needs help but you may not be able to see any of them. Either that or maybe you think some of these things:

    • “Man, she sure got over (negative situation) quickly because she’s smiling.”
    • She’s got all the money for (expensive items like electronics, concert tickets, clothes, etc.), they must be really well off.”
    • “He looks ‘normal’ so he has to be okay.”

    Folks, we don’t always look differently because we suffer from a mental illness. It’s not like missing an arm or having a colostomy bag, these illnesses hide themselves, bury themselves deep inside of us and eat away at us slowly.

    Then there are some that just can’t push through the sadness, anxiety, mania, etc. and start cancelling plans or always saying no. You might think:

    • “Man she’s flaky. That’s (x amount of times) that she’s cancelled on us.”
    • “He must feel like he’s too good for us because he always says no.”
    • Or someone saying no to going on a shopping trip because they know their mania will cause them to buy things impulsively and irresponsibly and they’re trying to avoid that, but you take it as a slight against you.

    We try our best to hide a lot because we’re:

    • embarrassed
    • don’t think people would understand
    • don’t know how to put our feelings into words (this is a legitimate thing)
    • etc.

    So many suffer in SILENCE.

    And something else you may not know is that people suffering from depression or any mental illness can have good days yet still suffer from that mental illness. I personally never know what each day is going to be like. For instance, I had good days Friday through Sunday. I felt good enough to play games and not break out crying for no reason so that was a win for me. But today is just meh. I feel like if I felt something was going wrong, it would spiral me into a depressive state again. I’m writing this blog today because I’m TRYING to stay consistent and to at least help one person, but I had to push myself to do it.

    The saying “Be kind. You never know what someone is going through,” is so true. This post alone shows that mental illness can hide anywhere and everywhere.

    Sorry if this post is a little wonky and in one direction and then another. That’s just part of being off some of my meds right now. I hope you get the gist.

    If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental illness or thoughts of harming themselves please tell them to text or call 988. This is a confidential crisis line in the United States that’s there to help.

  • My Struggle

    My Struggle

    Here’s one reality of mental health:

    We lost our state insurance at the end of October. We no longer qualified but we make just little enough that our two youngest sons can still be covered by it. We were expecting to qualify, but didn’t find out until the end of the month that we didn’t qualify, which gave us no time to find other insurance for November (we have no insurance at the moment).

    Now, I know that would hurt other households too but I’m sharing from my personal experience.

    I take nine different medications for my depression, anxiety, bipolar I, and ADHD. One medicine I take, my psychiatrist can only write for one month at a time because it’s a controlled substance and people abuse it (Thanks to all of you that do this because you make it harder for those of us that don’t. Insert heavy sarcasm here.). Three of my medications are between $1,000 and $1,400 EACH per month without insurance. Also, my psychiatry appointment (where I get my medications refilled) is $250 a month. Plus, my therapy appointments once a week at $50 a pop. That’s over $4000 a month!!! Very few of us can afford that. Add in another $1,200-$1,400 in groceries (hello, four growing boys) and gas for my husband to go to work and we’re in the $5,000-$6,000 range.

    Now for some of you, this may not be a problem, and if it’s not then congratulations. But for us, it is a problem. I work a whopping 5 hours a month because that’s about all I can handle mentally. It’s so hard to qualify for disability with mental health as the main reason for it. So that leaves the main burden to my husband.

    God bless him, he works his ASS off, and when I say that, I mean it. Starting out at 7 AM in the morning and not getting home until 7-8 PM every day except Sunday. But his job is based on commission. He helps people 65+ find the best Medicare plan for them and helps out when any questions come up. He works southern Indiana and part of the northern part of Kentucky as his area. Just as a side note, there are other people out there doing the same thing he is in the same areas. This entails meeting with people face-to-face (usually in their own home where they feel more comfortable), inputting all theirs meds into the system (along with various other information), and then talking about all their options so that they can decide which plan will work best for them given their personal situation. Folks, this takes time!

    And then once a year, between the middle of October to the beginning of December is a time called AEP where he visits ALL of his clients, plus new ones, to review their plans and make sure their plan is still the right fit for them. But here’s the catch, he doesn’t get paid on his existing clients until the end of December – January/February time. But he WANTS TO do this for his clients to save them money if he can or get them more benefits. Folks, HE HELPS THE ELDERLY NOT GET SCREWED. Major kudos to him.

    So, alas, we are in November with no insurance. I’ve already run out of one of my medications (the most expensive one) and will run out of a lot more before I can finally see my psychiatrist at the beginning of December when hopefully we have acquired insurance through Marketplace (if not, that’s another appointment that I’ll be skipping).

    Yesterday was a REALLY BAD day for me with my depression. I have met the requirements to start Spravato (I’ll talk more about this in another post, let’s just say I’ve heard amazing things about it) with hopes that it would work in conjunction with my meds to make the depression bearable but that’s off the plate until we get insurance because that runs between $4,000 – $7,000 a month to start off with.

    I woke up at 3:20 AM this morning because I couldn’t get comfortable because my whole body hurt. You see, when you get stressed or anxious your muscles tense up. So if you feel like that all day long your muscles will stay tense and then the next day you feel the repercussions of something you couldn’t help the WHOLE next day. This is a take over your whole body, hello I can identify where every muscle is in my body, I don’t want to move anything, kind of pain.

    There is never a choice when it comes to times like this, my family comes first 100%. That means limited meds (the cheap ones) but groceries in the house and clothes on my kids backs. It’s gas to keep my husband going to do amazing things for the older generations. Like I said, there’s never an option for me.

    So, if you’ve read this far, thank you. I’m not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for me or looking for anything in return. I’m writing this because there are other people in the same situation, ones that are silently suffering because they have to choose between the help they need and their families’ needs that need to know they are not alone. I know I’m a little scattered with this post but that’s the reality of my life right now, everything is scattered.

    And while I don’t believe this right now, I know deep down that we are enough the way we are, we fight invisible monsters daily yet still come out on top just to do it again the next day. You’re doing what you can right now, even if it’s just the fact that you’re breathing, that’s enough. We’ll go through this mess together because you are NOT alone!

  • I married a pyromaniac!

    I married a pyromaniac!

    Here we go friends. It’s time to talk about my first husband. We’re going to call him “C” because his name really doesn’t matter.

    I met “C” when I was 18 years-old. I don’t remember where, but a group of us girls were out one night and we met a group of guys. “C” was in this group and I thought he was cute, so we started talking and hit it off. At the time he wasn’t working but I was 18 and naive so I never questioned it. I was working at Office Max at the time.

    After about 2 weeks he told me he had a criminal record for arson but he said he’d never done any of them, he had just come upon them and then the police blamed him. I know what you’re thinking “Niki, that’s a big red flag,” but I believed him.

    Things went okay for a little while. He would do anything I asked him to. Now, looking back, I was way more of the man in this relationship (which isn’t my cup of tea), but I ignored this red flag too.

    One day, while I was working, I received a phone call from “C”. We had been living with my Mom and Grandma because he had no place of his own and he still wasn’t working. So I answer the phone knowing something was wrong and the first words out of his mouth are “The house is on fire!” I freaked! I asked if my Mom and Grandma had gotten out and he said “Yes.” I told him to please come pick me up (because he had my car) and told my manager what was going on.

    When I got in the car I started to cry because the adrenaline was wearing off. I asked “What the hell happened and how bad was it?” He hugged me and said it was in the garage but the smoke had come through the house some.

    The firefighters and police were still there when we showed up. I hugged my Mom and Grandma because I was so happy they were okay. The rooms they were both in were right up against the garage where the fire started.

    The Fire Inspector spent a long time in the garage but didn’t tell us about any causes of the fire. Unfortunately, since we were renters, we were given 30 days notice to get out.

    At this time, “C” proposed, I bought my own ring, and we decided right away to marry at the Justice of the Peace. Little did I know there was a ulterior motive to this.

    We got married in a very small ceremony at the courthouse. Then we all moved into an apartment and “C” ended up getting a job at the IHOP right up the road.

    The Fire Inspector called “C” and said he needed to come down and talk to them about the fire at the house. He agreed to go down the next day since he worked that night.

    That night he comes home early. I’m surprised but happy.

    “How did you get off so early?” I asked.

    “There was a fire in the supply closet and so they shut down early, “C” said.

    “Do they know what happened?”

    “No, but they’re trying to figure it out,” he said.

    I couldn’t believe it. The bad luck was following us, but why?

    The next day, “C” used my car to go to the interview with the Fire Inspector. A couple of hours later, I got a phone call from the investigator letting me know that they arrested “C” for the fire at the house and I needed to come pick up my car.

    I started crying because I knew they had the wrong person. The fire HAD to be an accident of some sort! The cops were doing it again, blaming him for a fire just because he was in the vicinity. I was so angry!

    My Mom took me to pick up my car and we went directly home.

    “Mom, theres no way he would have done this. There was no reason for it.” I cried to my mom.

    “I can understand why you’d feel that way” my Mom said.

    “C” called me that night from jail and was crying on the phone. He kept telling me he didn’t do it. That his mom and dad were getting him a lawyer and it would all be straightened out.

    The next day the Fire Inspector talked with my Mom and I about what they found.

    Underneath a pile of clothes, they found cigarette butts (“C”‘s brand). They believed he tried to start the fire that way but the pile smothered it out. So he lit a corner of the clothes pile and let it burn which started the actual fire. The pile of clothes was what they called the “point of origin.” I couldn’t believe it and told the inspector so. I told him it had to be an accident and they were wrong. I was not very nice. I would come to regret this later and would apologize.

    The same day “C” called me from jail again and I told him everything the inspector told us. He started to deny it but I point blank asked him “Did you do it?” To which he started crying and admitted to setting the fire at our house and at IHOP. Come to find out, while in jail, they were interviewing him about the IHOP fire as well.

    I was so angry that he had put my Mom and Grandma in danger. I was mortified by how I acted towards the Fire Inspector. And I felt so stupid for actually believing him at first when he said that he didn’t do it.

    After that, we went to the Commonwealth Attorney that was assigned to the case and told him everything. But, remember when I told you that there was an ulterior motive to marrying me so quickly? Here it is… the Commonwealth Attorney said they couldn’t put me on the stand to tell everyone that he confessed because we were married. I was floored but, because of all the evidence, I figured they wouldn’t need my testimony to find him guilty.

    Boy was I wrong!

    A jury of his peers found him not guilty of the fire at our house. I was scared because now they had to let him out of jail. By this time I had already filed for a divorce so I was afraid he’d set our apartment on fire when he got out. The attorney told us how we could get an order of protection and apologized that the jury didn’t find him guilty.

    On the plus side, he was found guilty of the fire at IHOP because cameras showed that “C” was the only one who went in and came out of the supply closet.

    Needless to say, the divorce went through and thankfully he didn’t fight it. He got a couple of years for the IHOP fire so we didn’t have to get an order of protection. By the time he got out, we had already moved into a rental house he didn’t know about.

    Looking back now, I was totally naive to everything. I was an 18 year-old who latched onto the first guy that showed me interest. I thought I had learned from this mistake but, as you’ll see later, I didn’t.

    What’s something in your life you wish you could change? Share in the comments below.

  • Here We Are Again

    Here We Are Again

    So, last month I wrote a post because I was MIA for awhile and I said it wouldn’t happen again but… it did.

    As I said in my last blog post, I’M STRUGGLING and it’s as true now as it was then,

    If you’ve seen the Emoji movie then you’ll understand when I say I feel “meh”, That’s me, the “meh” Emoji walking around pretending like I’ve got my shit together. News flash… I don’t. Let’s break it down.

    I’m WAY behind on laundry. Everyone has clothes to wear but it’s usully like “Look in the dryer and you’ll find something in there.” This is totally NOT where I want to be in life but yet here we are. Ugh!

    My sink is full of dishes. Oh, and this dishwasher isn’t working right now, Aaron’s in the process of trying to figure out what is wrong with it but until then it’s up to hand washing. When it’s time for dinner, I wash what we need to cook in and we go from there. Aaron’s usually the one who cooks although I do cook when it’s necessary,We don’t have people over because there’s stuff everywhere instead of me finding a place for it.

    I know you’re thinking I’m lazy and I would 100% agree with you. I feel totally worthless and I can’t stand myself. But just a little part of me says it’s also the depression I’m experiencing. You know, the whole “meh” thing,

    At this moment my psychiatrist and I are working to get my meds right, Here’s what I’m currently on:

    • Propranolol 20 MG 2x daily
    • Fluoxetine HCL 40 MG 1x daily
    • Auvelity ER 45-105MG 2x daily
    • Trazadone 300 MG 1x nightly
    • Vraylar 4.5 MG 1x nightly
    • Amphetamine Salts XR 25 MG 1x daily
    • Gabapentin 600 MG 3x daily
    • Buspirone HCI 15 MG 3x daily

    It’s like a damn pharmacy when I get all my pills set up for the week in my containers. Which sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.

    Because of me still feeling “meh”, my psychiatrist dropped my Gabapentin to 400 MG 3x daily to try to help. She was explaining that it can cause brain fog and a flat affect (the “meh” feeling). We’re trying to see if lowering the dosage helps. So far, the only thing I’ve noticed different is that I have daily headaches which could be caused from lowering the dose. Basically damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

    Right now, I’m just trying to get my shit together, I can’t wait for the day where I have honest emotional responses and feel better. Currently, I just act the way I’m supposed to act in certain situations which isn’t a long-term fix.

    My life is good. My marriage is great and my young men are phenomenal. It’s about time for me to be able to express that.

    Please share this post. You never know what family member or friend needs the reminder that they aren’t alone. We struggle silently, afraid to say how we truly feel for fear of judgment. Be the change.

  • Where I’ve Been

    Where I’ve Been

    Hey friends! Sorry I’ve been MIA. I was showing up every week to share my story and then, out of nowhere, I just disappeared. I owe you an explanation and here it is.

    I’M STRUGGLING!

    There, I said it outloud. I think I avoided saying that to my therapist and psychologist because then it makes it real and I don’t like that. Avoidance is bad but it’s a coping mechansim I’ve used my entire life. I’m trying to change that, believe me, but IT’S SO DAMN HARD and most days I’m just lucky to exist. Sound familiar?

    Now don’t misunderstand, I don’t walk around like a zombie or mope everywhere. Instead, I’m like those commercials with the smiley faces on the popsicle sticks. When I’m around other people, I smile like nothing is wrong even though inside I’m drowning. Only when I’m alone do I let the sad and mopey Eeyore me show. Like they always say, “You never know what someone is going through so be nice.” It’s really true, because most people will be surprised to hear this about me. Usually I’m all smiles and I talk alot, while inside I’m criticizing myself for what I’ve said, questioning if I sound intelligent, and just hoping the person I’m talking to will actually like me.

    And I don’t understand it. Hell, I think it’s that way for everyone. It just doesn’t make sense. Great things happen in my life all the time. And I’m truly happy when they do, but that feeling doesn’t last for long and then my brain starts thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done, whether I said something wrong while I was talking to someone, wondering how I appear to other peoople, the list goes on and on. I overanalyze EVERYTHING!

    My psychologist has brought up the idea of treatment resistant depression to me. She hasn’t come out and said it yet but it’s on the table as a possibility. Basically, the medicines that you’d usually take for depression don’t work for some people. There is an IV medicine that can be used for that which I would look into more if it comes down to that. I’ll talk baout that more with my psychologist when I see her this month.

    So for now, I’m forcing myself to do things I don’t feel like doing (laundry and dishes), little by little.

    I also find myself not able to sit still. I HAVE to be doing smething. Things I’m stuck on now are reading, paint-by-numbers, and coloring. I rotate doing these things throughout the day so I don’t have any lull in physically doing something. It’s crazy and I don’t understand it but it is what it is.

    Well, there we go. This is why I’ve been missing, but I plan on getting back on track. I’m back for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ll share it all in hopes of helping just one person.

    Have you experienced any of this? What have you found that helps? I’m all ears, nothing is off limits.

  • How I Was Caught Stealing

    How I Was Caught Stealing

    At 17, I had already quit school and was doing it online. I had been to the psych ward and stayed a week. I was smoking cigarretes and weed occasionally, and was drinking. I had one friend my age and one that was two years older. The friend that was two years older was actually living with us. This was after my parents divorced so my Mom, Grandma, and I were living in a rental house.

    My two friends talked and came up with a plan. The friend my age worked at a department store. My older friend and I were going to go to the store on my 17th birthday and pretend we were checking out with a bunch of clothes and then walk out with them in bags. Viola, we would have new clothes and my mom wouldn’t feel bad about not being able to get me much for my birthday. What could go wrong, right? Well… let me tell you.

    So, unbenownst to me, the store had a policy about not ringing up your friends. It’s now obvious to me why but I didn’t know this ahead of time.

    Anyways, as soon as we walked out with our bags of clothes, the manager went to check the register my friend was working and saw that she hadn’t rung up any of our stuff.

    Here I am driving with my friend in the car and we’re looking forward to getting home and hanging up our clothes when my phone rings. My heart drops into my stomach when I see that it’s my friend from the store. I pull over and answer the phone. She said, “You have to come back. They know I didn’t ring up anything. You have to bring all the stuff back.”

    When I tell you I turned white as a ghost and I felt nauseous, I really mean it. I had never been in trouble like this before and I had no clue what to expect.

    We went back to the store and the manager was waiting on us. She took the bags and told us to follow her to the office where my friend was. As she called the police, tears were streaming down my face and it was hard to breathe.

    Unfortunately, we had to do the walk of shame out the front door, handcuffed in the front (thankfully). My face was red and my eyes were swollen from crying. The friend my age and I were put in the back of the same cop car and were driven to the police station. Since my other friend was over 18, she rode in a car by herself.

    As soon as we got to the police station, we were finger printed and then taken into an office. I begged the police to call my Mom to come get me even though my Dad lived a lot closer because I knew he was going to flip out. They called my Mom anyways since I was living with her.

    Luckily, since it was my first (and last) time getting into trouble, they dropped it down to a misdemeanor. I had to write an apology letter to the manager of the store, do 20 hours of community service, and agree to stay out of the store until I was 21. I never set foot in the store again.

    I called my dad after getting out of the police station to tell him what had happened. We lived in a small town, remember? I knew he would hear about it so I wanted him to hear it from me first. I was crying as I told him and he started yelling, screaming, and cusssing at me. I became so overwhelmed that I hung up the phone. It would be awhile before we talked again.

    Happy freaking 17th birthday, you shoplifter!

    Have you ever been in a situation that made you feel shameful? Share in the comments below.

  • Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen

    Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen

    This quote sums up the basis of Don’t Believe Everything You Think by Joseph Nguyen. We’ve discussed the negativity bias last week which is caused by our thinking. The negativity bias says that are brains are wired for a fight of flight response. Basically, our thinking immediately goes to negative thoughts, they’re much easier to conjure up.

    This book challenges the negativity bias. It’s not about preventing thinking but shortening that negative thought process. Because, when we think, we’re trying to predict the outcome of something, and unless you’re a future teller you won’t be able to do that correctly. *wink*

    Now take a minute to think about a situation you’ve recently been in. Something that has happened recently. When you think about it, what feelings does it invoke? Were they positive or negative? If they were negative you’re not alone!

    For more clarification, let me share a personal example.

    When the thought of starting a blog came to mind, I felt extremely calm. I was happy and focused.

    But, when I started thinking about the blog, my thoughts turned negative. “No one will want to read it.” I was scared,anxious, overwhelmed, and felt like an imposter. “Who was I to share my story? Why would anyone want to read it?”

    This is the difference between thoughts and thinking.

    Don’t Believe Everything You Think is a spiritual, not religious book. Whether you believe in God, Source, the Universe, Spirit, any higher being, etc. this book is for you!

    While reading this book, I felt peacful and calm. It’s truly an amazing and short book. If you struggle with negative thinking, I definitely recommend it.

    Will you be reading this book? Drop your response in the comments below!

  • Wonder Why You Always Think of the Negative Stuff?

    Wonder Why You Always Think of the Negative Stuff?

    I was in my therapist’s office having a session recently when I realized that it was so easy for me to remember the bad/negative stuff and hard to pick out the good times. I asked why that was, but in the same breath I said “I’m going to research that because it would make a great blog post.” So here we are!

    The answer to this is negativity bias, but it’s not as simple as giving it a name. I really wanted to understand more.

    During the Caveman times, focusing on bad, dangerous, and negative threats were a matter of life and death. It made them more likely to survive, instead of getting eaten by the big cats, and they assed this gene down to their offspring. Hence, how we end up with the “fight or flight” response.

    Focusing on the negative is a way for our brain the keep us safe and it starts in infancy. Focusing on the negative is so ingrained into us as such an early age, no wonder it continues into adulthood for most people, especially those with anxiety.

    According to iheathunifiedcare.com, negative experiences trigger a stronger emotional response and are more likely to be stored in our memory.

    Say, for instance, someone says something hurtful to you on a girl’s night out. When you get home, your partner asks “How was your night?” You say terrible even though nothing else bad happened. You are focusing on the negative comment made and not the fun times that were had throughout the night.

    I don’t know about you, but I’ve definitely stewed over negative events/emotions before. And, if I’m being even more honest, it got me absolutely nowhere except for as mad as a wet hornet. And who really wants that, am I right?

    The best way I’ve found to combat this is a gratitude list. Just pull out your notebook and pen and start listing. It can be hard at times, but it’s so important and necessary to focus on those positive things whether big or small.

    So tell me, how do you choose to focus on the positive? Do you practice gratitude and make lists like me? Of do you do something else? I’d love for you to share your comments below!