I was still struggling this past week with crippling anxiety and depression. In fact, my anxiety had me waiting to go to the BMV to register Kavin’s car (which should have been done by Friday). I almost didn’t do it on Saturday either but I pushed through (with the help of a Xanax) and his car is now registered. But other than that, I just laid on the couch with Lola and we watched ID tv together Monday through Thursday.

Friday I took a shower (major accomplishment for me every week), the first one since last Friday. I do this because it’s Game Night at my mother-in-law’s house and I don’t want her (or her friend that comes) worrying about what kind of “crazy person” is raising her grandkids and is married to her son. Now don’t get me wrong, she would NEVER say anything negative to me like that, she loves me, that comment is just how my brain works (thanks negative thoughts). Mostly, I take a shower because I’m embarrassed not to.

I’m embarrassed living with my husband, kids, and Mom who see me in the same outfit for the week, laying around doing nothing because I literally have no energy to expend and the things that I used to love doing I have no interest for anymore. It DESTROYS me knowing that my kids know I’m struggling because of my mental illnesses. I feel so bad for them and feel like the worst mom ever because I can’t pull myself out of this dark hole.

I constantly question why it has to be me going through this, why my family has to suffer because of me. But I know there are TONS of other people wondering the same thing and you’d never know it. We smile even when we feel like crying, we push ourselves to go out while silently freaking out and trying to get our heartbeat and breathing under control while telling ourselves we aren’t really going to die we just feel like it, it’s accepting a compliment but NEVER being able to believe them, it’s thinking everyone would be better off without you but struggling to go on, it’s spending money you don’t have buying things because you feel a rush of excitement knowing that something new will be coming to you soon (it could be big or small) and then suddenly feeling guilty and berating yourself because you’ve bough xyz.

There are so many things that scream someone needs help but you may not be able to see any of them. Either that or maybe you think some of these things:

• “Man, she sure got over (negative situation) quickly because she’s smiling.”
• She’s got all the money for (expensive items like electronics, concert tickets, clothes, etc.), they must be really well off.”
• “He looks ‘normal’ so he has to be okay.”

Folks, we don’t always look differently because we suffer from a mental illness. It’s not like missing an arm or having a colostomy bag, these illnesses hide themselves, bury themselves deep inside of us and eat away at us slowly.

Then there are some that just can’t push through the sadness, anxiety, mania, etc. and start cancelling plans or always saying no. You might think:

• “Man she’s flaky. That’s (x amount of times) that she’s cancelled on us.”
• “He must feel like he’s too good for us because he always says no.”
• Or someone saying no to going on a shopping trip because they know their mania will cause them to buy things impulsively and irresponsibly and they’re trying to avoid that, but you take it as a slight against you.

We try our best to hide a lot because we’re:

• embarrassed
• don’t think people would understand
• don’t know how to put our feelings into words (this is a legitimate thing)
• etc.

So many suffer in SILENCE.

And something else you may not know is that people suffering from depression or any mental illness can have good days yet still suffer from that mental illness. I personally never know what each day is going to be like. For instance, I had good days Friday through Sunday. I felt good enough to play games and not break out crying for no reason so that was a win for me. But today is just meh. I feel like if I felt something was going wrong, it would spiral me into a depressive state again. I’m writing this blog today because I’m TRYING to stay consistent and to at least help one person, but I had to push myself to do it.

The saying “Be kind. You never know what someone is going through,” is so true. This post alone shows that mental illness can hide anywhere and everywhere.

Sorry if this post is a little wonky and in one direction and then another. That’s just part of being off some of my meds right now. I hope you get the gist.

If you or someone you know is struggling with their mental illness or thoughts of harming themselves please tell them to text or call 988. This is a confidential crisis line in the United States that’s there to help.