So, last month I wrote a post because I was MIA for awhile and I said it wouldn’t happen again but… it did.

As I said in my last blog post, I’M STRUGGLING and it’s as true now as it was then,

If you’ve seen the Emoji movie then you’ll understand when I say I feel “meh”, That’s me, the “meh” Emoji walking around pretending like I’ve got my shit together. News flash… I don’t. Let’s break it down.

I’m WAY behind on laundry. Everyone has clothes to wear but it’s usully like “Look in the dryer and you’ll find something in there.” This is totally NOT where I want to be in life but yet here we are. Ugh!

My sink is full of dishes. Oh, and this dishwasher isn’t working right now, Aaron’s in the process of trying to figure out what is wrong with it but until then it’s up to hand washing. When it’s time for dinner, I wash what we need to cook in and we go from there. Aaron’s usually the one who cooks although I do cook when it’s necessary,We don’t have people over because there’s stuff everywhere instead of me finding a place for it.

I know you’re thinking I’m lazy and I would 100% agree with you. I feel totally worthless and I can’t stand myself. But just a little part of me says it’s also the depression I’m experiencing. You know, the whole “meh” thing,

At this moment my psychiatrist and I are working to get my meds right, Here’s what I’m currently on:

• Propranolol 20 MG 2x daily
• Fluoxetine HCL 40 MG 1x daily
• Auvelity ER 45-105MG 2x daily
• Trazadone 300 MG 1x nightly
• Vraylar 4.5 MG 1x nightly
• Amphetamine Salts XR 25 MG 1x daily
• Gabapentin 600 MG 3x daily
• Buspirone HCI 15 MG 3x daily

It’s like a damn pharmacy when I get all my pills set up for the week in my containers. Which sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t.

Because of me still feeling “meh”, my psychiatrist dropped my Gabapentin to 400 MG 3x daily to try to help. She was explaining that it can cause brain fog and a flat affect (the “meh” feeling). We’re trying to see if lowering the dosage helps. So far, the only thing I’ve noticed different is that I have daily headaches which could be caused from lowering the dose. Basically damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

Right now, I’m just trying to get my shit together, I can’t wait for the day where I have honest emotional responses and feel better. Currently, I just act the way I’m supposed to act in certain situations which isn’t a long-term fix.

My life is good. My marriage is great and my young men are phenomenal. It’s about time for me to be able to express that.

Please share this post. You never know what family member or friend needs the reminder that they aren’t alone. We struggle silently, afraid to say how we truly feel for fear of judgment. Be the change.