Hey friends! Sorry I’ve been MIA. I was showing up every week to share my story and then, out of nowhere, I just disappeared. I owe you an explanation and here it is.

I’M STRUGGLING!

There, I said it outloud. I think I avoided saying that to my therapist and psychologist because then it makes it real and I don’t like that. Avoidance is bad but it’s a coping mechansim I’ve used my entire life. I’m trying to change that, believe me, but IT’S SO DAMN HARD and most days I’m just lucky to exist. Sound familiar?

Now don’t misunderstand, I don’t walk around like a zombie or mope everywhere. Instead, I’m like those commercials with the smiley faces on the popsicle sticks. When I’m around other people, I smile like nothing is wrong even though inside I’m drowning. Only when I’m alone do I let the sad and mopey Eeyore me show. Like they always say, “You never know what someone is going through so be nice.” It’s really true, because most people will be surprised to hear this about me. Usually I’m all smiles and I talk alot, while inside I’m criticizing myself for what I’ve said, questioning if I sound intelligent, and just hoping the person I’m talking to will actually like me.

And I don’t understand it. Hell, I think it’s that way for everyone. It just doesn’t make sense. Great things happen in my life all the time. And I’m truly happy when they do, but that feeling doesn’t last for long and then my brain starts thinking about all the stuff that needs to be done, whether I said something wrong while I was talking to someone, wondering how I appear to other peoople, the list goes on and on. I overanalyze EVERYTHING!

My psychologist has brought up the idea of treatment resistant depression to me. She hasn’t come out and said it yet but it’s on the table as a possibility. Basically, the medicines that you’d usually take for depression don’t work for some people. There is an IV medicine that can be used for that which I would look into more if it comes down to that. I’ll talk baout that more with my psychologist when I see her this month.

So for now, I’m forcing myself to do things I don’t feel like doing (laundry and dishes), little by little.

I also find myself not able to sit still. I HAVE to be doing smething. Things I’m stuck on now are reading, paint-by-numbers, and coloring. I rotate doing these things throughout the day so I don’t have any lull in physically doing something. It’s crazy and I don’t understand it but it is what it is.

Well, there we go. This is why I’ve been missing, but I plan on getting back on track. I’m back for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I’ll share it all in hopes of helping just one person.

Have you experienced any of this? What have you found that helps? I’m all ears, nothing is off limits.